Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
