can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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