When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
