Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She needs sedatives and a leash
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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