I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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