Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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