a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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