Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
