so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
