I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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