highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
