his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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