I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
