my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
