My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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