I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
there is glitter all over my balls
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
