if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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