So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
