I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize