great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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