This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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