He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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