i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
