Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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