2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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