Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
