I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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