remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize