you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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