she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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