well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
