If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
