I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I want to fling myself into the sun
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
