Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
