Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
