sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
