I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
