My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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