a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
