dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
