I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
