What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She's the barista slut.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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