OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
