There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
