why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize