girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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