I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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