I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I want a musical about memes.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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