a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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