Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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