Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
