apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
