I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
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