The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
