hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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