if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
