Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
