did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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