Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize